Ever since I can remember, I have always been the "chubby" kid. As a teenager I got told I had thunder thighs.. not what you want to hear at that age. I became the girl that was nice but the fat one..I always felt like I was just the fat friend and that's what I was known for.
In my early 20s I got asked multiple times if I was pregnant or when I was due, even my nieces used to say it to me all the time. You try to laugh that sort of thing off..but in reality, it cuts deep.
Thinking about those times made me realise that so much of who I am has been defined by me being overweight, my unhealthy relationship with food/dieting and my body. Now that I am well on my way to having the body of my dreams, I am realising that I don't actually really know who I am...and I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis.
Yes putting the weight on has been self inflicted, no one forced me to eat crap food and to not exercise, but once you start that downward spiral, it just gets out of control. With each negative comment or experience, failed attempts at weight loss and the limits on what I could/couldn't do because I was big, meant I ended up a mess, really not liking myself and basically giving up and believing that I was just fat...and that's all I was.
Being overweight had real limitations, and not just in my head, and it makes me sad how many experiences didn't happen or I didn't enjoy because I wasn't able to do it, due to my "issues".
A really bad experience that springs to mind is about 4 years ago, we planned a fun afternoon of rollerblading with our friends, and it ended up being one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I couldn't hire the correct size of rollerblade because my legs were too big to fit into the one I needed. I ended up going up several sizes just to make my legs fit, but then it meant it was too huge for my feet ... I gave it a go anyway but it wasn't particularly safe as my ankles were wobbling all over the place. Made it about 50 meters, fell over, felt awful and ended up going back to the hire desk and had to tell them my legs were too big and we rented a bike instead. It was embarrassing and it's scarred me for life. Experiences like this just made me avoid trying new things all together, for the fear of feeling the same way. I don't know if I'm game enough to give it another try now!
You'd be surprised at how many activities actually have weight limits! One of my other dreams in life was to go horse trekking, and I could never do it because I was over the limit. It sucks missing out on things you really want to do... but guess what...we'll be going in a few weeks :)
I've never been able to shop in normal places, there is only a few shops that had clothes that would fit me...or in the plus size section. For the last 10 years I don't think I've actually owned any piece of clothing that I really loved or felt comfortable in...it's always been about finding something / anything that fits, so as a result, I've never been particularly stylish. I've never owned a nice pair of boots, because again, they just didn't exist for my legs.
Instead of finding happiness in clothes and shoes...I found it in food and make up. I used to absolutely love make up. I wouldn't leave the house without fully painting my face on. Just ask my family how many drawers full of cosmetics I used to have stashed away!
I would buy food in secret to cheer myself up and have binges, sometimes more than once a day. Because somehow that made me happy for the few minutes it lasted... I actually used to go to the supermarket at night to buy a block of chocolate or pack of biscuits or pastries and demolish them that same night.
I'm proud to say that since I've developed new and healthy habits, I don't binge anymore, I don't find it a struggle to go through the supermarket, and I certainly don't make special trips to buy something 'naughty'. I'm also not spending a tonne of money on cosmetics..now I'm quite happy to be make up free, because I feel so much happier with myself.
I feel like I want to change my 'look' completely and redefine myself... but I'm not sure what I want to be or who I really am :)... Buying clothes is a strange new experience for me. I've gone on a few shopping trips and felt totally overwhelmed at the choices. I find myself reaching for familiar, baggy items...and then realising how terrible those look on me now. It's super satisfying.
This journey so far has been very eye opening.. not just about how much I have come to love exercising and being fit, but most of all, I love being able to do things I've never been able to do before... and finally becoming the person I was always meant to be. I've shrunk in size...but I feel like I've grown so so much as a person, and I feel better for it.
I am so thankful that I woke up, flicked that switch and turned my life around. I am really looking forward to all the new experiences I will get to have now, and more importantly, being able to enjoy life to the fullest.
For me, my biggest 'disability' was being so overweight. I took back control of my life.
I hope I can inspire others to take the same steps in their own journeys. xoxo
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