The Weight of Anxiety

Over thinking - check.

Over analysing - check.

Constantly worrying - check.

Feelings of guilt or pressure - check.

Expecting the worst - check.

These are things that I've experienced for most of my life, often at varying levels, but I always thought it was just 'me'. You guys might remember me complaining about my lack of energy and just generally feeling exhausted, moody/emotional and yucky. I went to the doctor, got all the tests done, and every single thing was normal. It was quite a shock when I was told that the stress was taking such a toll that it was coming out in more physical ways. Stress is anything from work pressures, life/family pressures, even too much exercise (over training), it can be so many different things for different people.

One the one hand I was pissed that there was no easily treatable cause like say low iron levels and it was 'in my head' (my words, not theirs), but at the same time I am truly happy that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. 

Cue talking to some other professionals, and it turns out this feeling is anxiety.  I'd heard of it before but never thought that it could apply to me.... also turns out it's very common!!

This sums it up pretty good:

Anxiety in itself is basically a cycle of thoughts triggering feelings triggering behaviours/actions and then triggering more thoughts, more feelings...and just going round and round in circles. 

My biggest problem is worrying. About every thing..the future, the past, the present, things I've said, things I've done, how something I said to someone might have hurt their feelings, feeling bad that it might have come across badly, worrying about things that I can't change or have any control over. Feeling guilty when I don't feel like perhaps I've done 'enough' of something/for someone...that can apply to anything. Throughout my teens and early 20s I had this problem lot. As I started my working life and gained some confidence over my abilities, it got better. In my personal life it's pretty much always remained in the background though...apart from maybe the 18 months of my weight loss journey while I was very much riding a wave of positivity and success.

This sums it up pretty good again and it makes me smile haha

I've done a lot of soul searching in the past couple of months and I can see where these behaviours have stemmed from, but it's such a wake up call. I can now see how it affected me as a teenager and was part of my initial weight problems, lack of self esteem etc. With some of those causing factors making appearances in my life recently, some of these feelings of anxiety are returning. It makes sense that along with it comes a bit of weight gain also as my old demons crop up because they were never truly addressed. The endless cycle of thinking all the time in itself can cause exhaustion because the mind is always on!

Either way though, the good news is that it can be helped, it's just about recognising triggers and learning better ways to cope with them...and managing the stresses that do crop up.

A real positive for me is that funnily enough though these issues don't trickle over to my work life where I am a pretty out spoken, kinda loud at times and confident person..perhaps it's because it's an area where I feel 'in control'. 

You guys would have read that I've started a mindfulness course..which has been great so far. Something that I picked up on the first session was that the mind loves wondering and constantly thinking to keep itself busy and entertained, after all that is it's function, but it certainly doesn't need to do that in every situation! Mindfulness and meditation is what you can do to help still the mind and actually focus on what is happening right now. Simple in theory!.

I've been meditating for around 15 mins every night for the past week now and it's been great :) I've even started going to counselling to talk my issues over . There is no shame in seeing a counsellor..I figure she can help unravel my mind better than I can on my own.

I've also started reading a bunch of books like 'The power of now' and 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle which are along the same lines as what they teach in mindfulness. Another interesting read is 'Rushing Woman's Syndrome' by Dr Libby which is all about how our constant on the go lifestyles have a huge effect on our health. All very interesting and highly recommended.

I am taking this time to focus on myself and my overall wellbeing and not just fitness.  I guess I am now training my brain :) Hopefully with a combination of everything I am doing to tackle this, eventually my body and mind will relax and go back to normal and give me my energy back! 

In terms of my fitness training, I have re-evaluated my goals again... Ironmaori is still on the cards as well as a few other smaller events, because I do still enjoy it all and I can chip away at the various disciplines, but the goal itself is back to 'just finish'. No pressure or worry. I know I can finish and that's all that matters :) 

I wanted to share with you guys the latest development in this journey of  mine. I see it as another obstacle in the road but it will be overcome like everything else, and I will come out better and stronger on the other side.

If you experience anything like I've discussed, just know that there is nothing wrong with you, it's quite a common thing, especially amongst the ladies! And more importantly it can get better. Please feel free to message me if you ever need an ear :)