My triple life as an Athlete, Student & HR Professional

Athlete by day, and night. Student by day..sometimes night. HR person. Eszter.
Interesting that when I wrote the title for this post, the first thing that came to mind was 'Athlete'. That says a lot to me about how much my life has changed in the last three years. I was reading through one of my old blog posts today, looking for inspiration and came across one of my favourites...'Highlights on my journey to a better me'. Check out one of my highlights:

• No more limitations on day to day activities... simple things like picking things up off the floor, driving etc...no longer uncomfortable because of the belly being in the way.

Just wow. That part of me is such a distant memory, and it's hard to believe I used to live that way. Now I consider myself an athlete... Pretty cool, and something I want to feel forever! This just reminds me how important it is to never forget how far you have come. Even when times are tough and it feels like you are stuck, feeling sorry for yourself, which I admit I do from time to time... think of the bigger picture.

My life as a student: Two months ago I embarked on a new journey to better myself mentally and start university study via distance learning. Since then I've had an assessment in which I managed to get 46/50 and submitted a written report assessment a week ago. It has been challenging having to keep up with the reading, actually digesting it and taking in my learnings..not to mention the time commitment which is around 8hrs study per week...way more when I was working on my report (just about lost the plot haha). I never did university after college because I didn't really have a sense of direction or drive. I also never felt particularly smart...I now have way more respect for people who did this day in day out with goodness knows how many 'papers' at any one time. In a way I am glad it worked out this way though, because I think I am getting much more out of my studies having had some life and work experience.. kind of puts everything into context. I have one more exam to go in exactly a month, and then I'm one step closer to my post grad diploma...7 papers to go, probably another 3 years ;) It's worth it though...on wards and hopefully upwards in my HR career... aka the other 50% of my life. 

My life as an athlete: Tri training has been all over the show, very slow progress with my injuries, and at times hard to find motivation as I've been feeling quite tired, most days waking up tired. A big reason why I have fallen behind on my blogging.  My days look something like this: Wake up, work, study, training, bit of down time, bed. Or wake up, training, work, study, bit of down time, bed.  I basically have every little thing scheduled into my organiser, and some days things fall off, some days I miss study, some days I miss training, but I am doing my best, and that's really all that I can do, so I am happy with that.

Somewhere in there of course I have my family and friends, probably an aspect of my life that's taking the biggest hit (sorry family & friends!!) but luckily everyone is supportive of me. At the end of the day I just want to keep growing, always learning and always be challenged.. My goals give me purpose. I used to float through life being extremely average in a weird and undriven space... I guess I am making up for lost time now? Life is too short... I want to keep growing and be better as a person and a role model for my family. Everything I do is the stuff that gets me there ...even when it gets a bit stressful. 

Thought I'd share a few photos from the last few months, with the countdown on until Ironmaori - 57 days to go!! How the heck did that come around so fast!

All photos courtesy of Change Fitness :) Common themes: team. thumbs up. mainly a lot of smiles aka happiness.

A lovely evening at run group

The hard slog up Wallaceville Hill in Upper Hutt

Team finish at the brutal Upper Hutt Duathlon.. smile of relief I think!

About 6km into a half marathon - our practice for the finish line

Spot the crying face. This is at the end of said half marathon - a tough day for me.

The crew

Martinborough group ride - which included this wonderful lake, torrential rain and strong winds...in other words, a wonderful day to test everyone :) with pie at the end.

I've managed to get through the hardest part of this year and with the end now in sight and lots of exciting team events coming up, I am feeling super motivated and excited to smash this out one last time!!
Thanks for sticking by me everyone!

Does anyone remember the girl on the left? Jeepers. 

Best feeling in the world = crossing the finish line

Crossing the finish line = one of the most satisfying & best moments in life. 
The sense of achievement & purpose, the adrenaline.. The whole lot is such a high. 
10km run at the Wellington Marathon Event today...and I met my goal. I was aiming to  run the whole way, and hopefully finish in under an hour and twenty minutes.
My garmin reckons 1:15:49 at 7.27min/km pace 😀😀 to say I'm happy is an understatement! I had a few niggles with my injury from last year, but ran the whole way and overall felt pretty strong. It was my first event since ironmaori in December and man have I missed the feeling. 
Especially the part where the finish line is finally in sight and I swear I see red and nothing else matters but that sprint to the finish. 200% effort & focus. Maybe that's why I always feel emotional once I've crossed the line, there's generally tears lol.
The finish line symbolises everything you've done to get to that point, all of the hard work and dedication, it's essentially the reward for your journey. It's just so special. 😍
It was awesome seeing my whole crew out there, smashing it as usual. The smiles & waves along the way make such a difference ❤️ we did it team!!
Can't wait to see my official time but more than anything I'm happy to be back on track with running. The goal is to run the half marathon part of my tri, and I know now that I'll get there!

Block 2 , Week 3 update...progress!

Eeek how time flies..it's been 2 weeks since my last post! I have been absolutely flat out with work, life in general and of course training. Just trying to keep sane :)

So what's happened in the last couple of weeks?
Running: finally have seen the light with heart rate zone training. I've actually been making sure sure to stay in the correct heart rate zone with every run, and managed a wonderful 6km continuous effort. It was my longest in almost a full year, and it felt great!!
It made me wonder what I've been doing all this time, but I figured out that the way I approached each run was just to 'do my best', which of course meant working too hard, too early and losing steam.
It's made such a difference already and can't wait to see further improvements. I have also been stretching lots and really keeping my technique and posture in check, and I can feel the progress! YAY! ( Speaking of running, this pic is of me at run group, 'in the zone'.. courtesy of Change Fitness, this also highlights my not great style...but it looks like I am zooming past so I'll take it lol).

Swimming: Have been enjoying doing different drills and I am feeling some real improvements with my bi-lateral breathing. In basically just a month, I feel like I can actually breath on both sides! And my stroke feels so much more efficient when I am doing so... I can't hold it for very long periods but slowly building up :) 

Cycling: I've done a 57km cycle and a 47km one in the last couple of weeks, and annoyingly my shoulder injury from last year is back. I am guessing it's partly because I have jumped straight back into some decent distances, combined with me still being quite tense & anxious and my body.. not enough strength & my terrible posture.
The ride yesterday was particularly difficult, I really did not want to go. The temptation to pull out was huge and it took every part of my brain to push, and get in the car. Halfway there, I was still looking for excuses to turn around, but happy to say I did it! It was tough both mentally and physically, by the end of it I was very very sore, but it's still a win.

Next steps: Address my shoulder injury & posture issues & keep working on the running technique. Going to have one on one strength training with my coach Nathan Martin and hopefully finally get my body in tip top condition & finally catch up with my mental strength.. which as I've said before is my real strong point. I am realising just how much my body is still getting used to this lifestyle. After a decade of poor treatment, it's not surprising that there's a bit of protest from the ol' joints/muscles etc :)  Looking forward to getting stronger and kicking these aches and pains in the butt once and for all.

Hope whatever it is you guys are doing, you're going well. Keep up the effort! Winter is the most important time :):)

Back on the saddle

What does it feel like getting back on the bike saddle after 5 months off? Extremely painful... haha. Every muscle in my body is aching. That's what I get for doing 50kms without any real lead up. 

I've just come home after a 7.5 week holiday in Europe and UK visiting family. I had a fabulous time and did a tonne of walking, I'd say on average most days around 15km, with a number of massive 21km days. Pretty cool!! I love exploring on foot, no better way to do it (if you can!). Managed to fit in a couple of runs here and there, even participated in some 'Park Runs' with the family. I am really happy that I fit some exercise in, but of course with all the amazing food (and eating it all), I still put on a few kilos. Starting back on the #whanaujourney triathlon programme, it's all been a bit of a shock to the system!! 

Siena (Italy) in the background

Florence

Budapest (my birth city!)

Even with only a little bit of running in the UK, I've managed to work up to being able to run a full 5km again after last years injury. Lots to work on, but it's a great start, the key here is to not re-injure myself. A 10km run is on the cards in about 6 weeks, which I intend to run the whole way, and I'm excited to see what I can build up to in that time. I will be targeting my strength training around my hip flexors, glutes and core... they are all very weak. 

What about the other disciplines? Cycling. My biggest challenge. Conquering my fears and improving my confidence will be a big feat. My big wish is that I actually end up enjoying cycling. As some of my readers will remember, I got on a bike for the first time in about 25yrs in February last year. I didn't have a bike growing up, and while I did learn to ride when I was about 5 years old, it was really only the bare basics of staying upright and pedalling. I'd never ridden in traffic and I didn't learn control my bike in slightly more challenging situations. Everything is so much easier to learn and deal with as a child... there's that real lack of fear and 'give it a go' attitude, as adults our minds tend to hold us back more. Learning all of these new skills was pretty overwhelming, added to with the completely different feel of a road bike and having to use clip in shoes, and doing long distances. I had a number of falls, lots of bruises, cuts and grazes and a scary close call with a car on event day which still resulted with me tangled with my bike in the middle of an intersection. 

I haven't touched my bike since that day, in fact I only pulled off my race number 2 days ago. I only recently realised that the crash had probably affected me and my confidence more than I originally thought. Combined with my anxiety, which seems to be going through a particularly bad wave at the moment, it meant a pretty scared Eszter leading up to my Sunday ride (images of getting hit by a car or ending up with some horrific injury or some other equally irrational scenario). My friend and now one of my coaches, Alicia, was nice enough to escort me for the whole 50kms, and you know what, I survived. I'm not going to lie, there were a few heart racing, sweaty palm, nerve-wracking moments, but there were no incidents, no near misses. Everything was fine. It has boosted my confidence a lot, and I already feel way calmer about the weeks and months to come. 
Essentially by getting out there and just doing it regardless of my fears, I have proven to myself that cycling does not equal doom. Going forward, this will help turn those anxieties around. At the end of the day I am still a rookie, with 5 months of cycling experience under my belt, and like with anything else in the learning phase, it takes time to get comfortable. 

Swimming? I have my very first swim squad session this Friday and I am truly excited. Having worked through all the fear stuff when it came to swimming last year, it's nice to have a discipline where I am truly comfortable and I can focus 100% on improving my technique and speed. 

Reflecting on last year's triathlon experience, I feel like I plodded my way through the three disciplines (still find it hard to comprehend sometimes that I actually did it!!). I often got asked which one was my 'strength' and I'd be stumped because I didn't feel any of them were. I think my true strong point is my willpower and mental strength, and that is what got me through on the day. 
Knowing I can endure, and stay motivated is a pretty good foundation to build on and now I'll be able to focus on getting physically stronger especially with the dramas of 2015 behind me! On the other hand, it is interesting that my true weakness is the other side of my mental strength with the anxieties. It's a bit weird that it's both for me, but the motivation and willpower is stronger, always has been (or maybe it's just that I'm stubborn), so it will win :)

When in doubt, my new mantra for the hard times will be "I can and I will".

Along with all the basics I have a lot more to work on, the main one being my nutrition, and hopefully losing a bit of weight again, let me rephrase, dropping a dress size again (even if not actual weight on the scales), and generally having less wobbly bits. :) :) I feel more motivated now than I have for quite some time, and like I have purpose again, so look out for more updates soon! x

Mind shift - ditch the scales

So I'm 7 weeks into a 10 week weight loss challenge that I thought I'd smash. I've lost somewhere between 1-2 kgs but officially with results at actual weigh in, only around 1. You'd think that I was eating crap or not exercising.... It's the opposite. While my workouts haven't been super crazy, I'm doing a variety of different things. I've mentioned before my change in eating as well. For whatever reason my body is deciding that right now, losing more weight is not essential. 

Has this bothered me? Well yes, about 3 weeks ago I was on the verge of an obsessive meltdown because I wasn't meeting my expectations. I was seeing unhealthy behaviours in myself, not wanting to eat or wanting to binge, stepping on the scale every day, beating myself up because the number wasn't changing. Feeling pressure rather than motivated, feeling bad because I was comparing myself to others who were achieving, and basically non stop guilt. It is crazy how easy it is to fall into these behaviours and get into negative self talk which snowballs. 

As someone who's had a turbulent relationship with food & weightloss in the past, it's even easier to fall back into old patterns....and to be honest it made me feel unstable (mentally). I'm a lot better than I used to be but I'm still not immune to having negative & unhealthy thoughts.
I didn't like how it made me feel. I'm not defined by a number on the scales. Why is it so easy to think you are?
Yes my whole journey has seemingly been about weight loss but actually it's been so much more than that. I'm not unhappy with how I look and I love what my body has done for me, yea I'd like to improve further and continue the journey, but I'm not going to go crazy in the process. I've changed my attitude to how I approach the rest of the challenge. The whole point of this is to encourage health, get moving and eat healthy... I'm doing my best every day to do that, so what more can I really ask for? 

Weight is just another measure in your toolbox to health, it's not the be all and end all. When my body is ready, it will get going again. In the meantime, I'll carry on & enjoy every day. Hope you do the same.

2016

2016. This will be my year.  I am signed up and ready to start the road to the Ironmaori triathlon for the second time. As you might be able to guess from the above, I've decided to do this with the amazing Change Fitness #whanaujourney group led by my amazing coach/trainer Nathan Martin. It's hard to put into words how much being part of this team (for the 4 months) meant to me last year, but all I can say is that it pulled me out of the deep dark hole that I had gotten into, and gave me purpose...and self belief.  I just love the quote above.

I am so full of excitement for what this year will bring, and full of energy to set and smash all of my goals. Reflecting on last year's journey, there is plenty to improve on:

• Doing proper strength training to actually prevent injuries this time, 
• Checking in with myself more often in terms of my mental wellbeing and handling stress better (regular yoga/meditation etc),
• More bike time. 4 months last year, while it was enough to get me through, was just that.. enough to get me through. I had a number of falls and scary moments, so this year is about conquering the beast, getting comfortable riding in traffic and just overall getting stronger in this area.
• Running. I ran about 3km of the 21.1km in December. I'd lost alot of running fitness with my July injury and chose not to focus too much on it last year. Well the goal this year is to run the whole 21.1km.

I would also love for my overall fitness to improve. Endurance is all good, and I think that is because mentally I am strong enough to push through, but I want to and need to be fitter with the non-endurance stuff. Yesterday I started a 4 week circuit training group with Nathan and did the fitness test... great benchmark, but seeing my heart rate at only 8BPM below my max after a short time trial run was not pleasant.

I did end up surprising myself a little bit though when I managed to do 16 full press ups within 1 min. I could do about 20-25 of them this time last year, and after not doing any for almost a year..I was convinced that I'd only be able to do a couple now. But guess what, I didn't actually try it, or test myself, just labelled it as something I couldn't do, and didn't even attempt it. Terrible attitude!! Then I go and smash out 16.
Tonight's experience has taught me yet again just how much we limit ourselves and how the negative self talk can affect us and what we do (or don't do). It's easy to fall into the trap of constantly comparing yourself to other people, always striving for that elusive 'more', fear of failure, never quite being happy with what you have right now.
This will be a big focus point for me this year..finding the balance and learning to love myself as I am, being me, being present... but aspiring to be better and doing my best every day. Take up the challenge with me!

On that note, I'll leave on this thought:

Where has the time gone...

Just had a wee look at when my last proper blog post was... it was at the 10 week mark (read here). Ummm where has the time gone?! It is now 24 days to go. DAYS.

The last 6 weeks of training have especially been full on with lots of big brick sessions (where we do all of the disciplines one after another), more swimming in the open water, and just generally longer and harder. Each one is an accomplishment in itself.

About 10 days ago I completed a 115km cycle in Martinborough...it took 6 hours. Previous biggest was 80km and that was a few months ago. This was legit the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Going into it, I knew it would be hard but by hour four I was ready to give up. The finish line felt very very far away and it took every single bit of my brain and willpower to make it. All I knew is that while I felt like I wanted to quit, I knew that I couldn't and I didn't truly want to. Let's just say there was a lot of swearing and complaining, but I made it!
I am also happy to report that I have finally graduated to clip in cycle shoes, have gone through busy intersections, been on the motorway and I've not fallen off again!
After this big cycle experience, I have confidence that I can finish at Ironmaori... at least I don't have to ride for 6hrs. That's a comforting thought.

We have one more big training session this weekend...a practice run triathlon... and after that it's basically tapering off.

My body feels broken, I feel like I am getting strains and pain almost all the time now and in areas I didn't know existed. It's taking me longer and longer to recover from each weekend, both mentally and physically. Pretty exhausted, and combined with a busy period at work...I am ready to crash every night. What's getting me through now is knowing that the ultimate finish line is almost here.
This journey has been a big step up, so I guess it's no wonder I am feeling a little broken.. haha :)

The last few days I've been reflecting on how far I have come. It was only two years ago that I started working out on a regular basis.(My blog from 2yrs ago about my first fitness test at boot camp ...read here.)
It was only two years ago that I got my heart rate up to over my maximum by doing one length of a gym as a warm up jog. I got puffed walking up stairs. I found simple things like bending over and tying up my shoes difficult.
A short 24 months later, I have done a bunch of events, 115kms cycling, 2 half marathons, regularly doing training of 2+ hours, I am a duathlete and about to be a triathlete, not even a regular triathlete...but a 1/2 ironman triathlete.
When I think about everything that I have achieved fitness wise in what is a very short chunk of my almost 30 years of life, I am astounded. I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform in a certain way, but this puts it into perspective for me. I am so grateful for everything that I am able to do.

This December will be hard to top, but it will be proof for me that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, and despite various challenges thrown my way, I am strong enough to push through.
I am so looking forward to crossing my finish line.

This is for all of us who think we "can't".... just know that actually yes, you can.

10 weeks to go - Ironmaori come at me!!!

So there is just over 10 weeks to go till the big day - Ironmaori. I have mixed emotions about this... on one hand I am scared that I am running out of time for training, on the other I can't wait to get it over and done with..and I am also kind of looking forward to it. Visualising that finish line and the feeling of crossing it.... it makes my stomach stir and my eyes well up, so that's got to be a good thing.

My last blog post was on the 9th of July ....sorry for my tardiness, I've been caught up in trying to work on my half marathon injury, get to grips with a massive increase in training with my new triathlon training crew in August (with Change Fitness), trying a lot of new things for the first time, spending lots of money on entry fees and more gear, and more injuries... mainly falling off my bike several times including a lovely big gash that put me out of action for the past 2 weeks which has put another dent in my training  plan.

Easing into the group training around mid August was great, and I was on an absolute freaking high, especially enjoying having energy again, being able to do double workout days and building my fitness again.

As some of you might remember, since about January this year I've been dealing with depression and anxiety which really affected my overall energy levels / moods and motivation and as a knock on effect, my training. It was a tough time but I invested everything I could to crawl out of the black hole, getting counselling, mentoring from a role model, meditation/mindfulness, yoga, self help books...everything. I did a lot of soul searching and found 'the root' of the problem and took massive steps in removing the toxic aspects of my life.

Since then I've been progressing in leaps and bounds and feeling so so much better. Unfortunately the anxiety I am still struggling with which is really annoying, however thankfully it now only comes out in more extreme situations ...for example when I was out riding on my bike, had completed 50km, literally 50m away from the finishing point....panicked at an intersection with a lot of cars around, got a bit overwhelmed, lost control of my bike and fell off, hurt my already wounded knee from the week before, and proceeded to have an anxiety panic attack on the side of the road. At the time it was the worst thing ever, of course within half an hour I don't even know why I was so upset.

It's these sort of situations where I'm right outside of my comfort zone and don't have confidence in myself and my abilities, that I seem to get overwhelmed, get that 'loss of control'  feeling and boom, my brain just goes off into meltdown mode. Every success I do experience though, helps build my self belief and self confidence, so I know that one day very soon, this anxiety thing will be a thing of the past and I will have it under control.

This makes it sound like I've had the worst time in the past couple of months, but truth be told I've actually had a lot of fun with my new team and have had some great achievements including my first ever 80km bike ride!!

The challenge now is getting through the next 10 weeks mentally...and controlling my tendency to freak out. I still have to learn how to control and handle my bike better, still have to learn how to ride with clip in pedals, start swimming in open water (never done), get through a couple of massive events and then turn up to that start line in December and complete it.

I can do this. 

It is 10 weeks of my life...and it will be my biggest achievement. Totally worth it.

I shall leave you all with these inspirational words....

When your race doesn't go to plan

As some of you guys might have read on my update last Sunday, my half marathon didn't quite go as planned.
The weather gods put on a beautiful day but all morning I had been feeling extremely nervous rather than excited. Did about a 10-15min warm up and then went to line up. As I stood there waiting for the start, my personal trainer happened to walk past me on her way to the front, and a hug from her helped boost my confidence a little bit.

8.45am and off we went. I saw my friend just ahead and I was tempted to sprint a little to catch up to him and say a final good luck as we didn't get a chance before the start, but thought that might be a bit silly literally 100m into the race. Next plan of attack ...get in the zone. All I could think of was how much my achilles already hurt and wondered if it would go away as I warmed up more. I put on some *doof doof* music and hoped for the best. The next 6km went relatively quickly and the pain in my achilles started to fade and I got a pretty good pace on. According to my GPS it was somewhere around the 6:30 minutes per km mark, and on my way to achieving my goal time of 2hrs 20minutes.

Passing a bunch of my friends around the 9km point was a nice little boost..but as I neared the 10.5km turn around point I started feeling tired and the legs were starting to get achey but the fact that I was almost half way through helped , and I was looking forward to the return journey. Put on some even more *doof doof* music to get motivated but things started going downhill pretty quickly. The twinge on the side of my knee started being more and more constant, and I found myself walking more frequently. With only 6kms to go I tried giving myself one last push, really wanting to run to the finish, but suddenly the ache in my leg turned into a sharp shooting pain and my leg buckled under me. A really nice man noticed me stumbling and asked if I was ok..I just about burst out crying but said it was fine.
I did a couple of quick stretches hoping it was something I could release and tried jogging again but no change. Tried power walking to the best of my abilities and felt like a goober.
Being the person I am, I tried attempting to run a few more times .. you know, just in case....but it was getting worse with each attempt so decided for real this time that I had to let my pride and ego go, let go of my time goal and just walk the rest of the last stupid 5kms.
Cue a massive wave of disappointment and realisation that no matter how much I wanted to run, it was just not going to happen. I powered on (walking) with all that I could, went past a couple of ladies who were cheering me on as tears of frustration rolled down my cheeks.
Mentally that was probably one of the hardest 5kms I've ever done. I focused on enjoying the sunshine and the delicious blue powerade (not so delicious by that point!)...and I jogged across the finish line. I couldn't resist.
Of course as soon as I found my family I couldn't hold the tears in. I was reminded that I still did the distance and should be proud of myself and happy, but it was hard to accept that at the time because it kind of just felt like a wasted opportunity. I didn't want to do a half marathon ever again (at least not till Ironmaori).

It feels a bit silly now that I got so upset over it, because it's not the end of the world, my time didn't even end up being that bad, there will be other races and there will be more chances to achieve. I guess it just made it clear to me how much I put into my goals and the expectations I set for myself, but really the only one applying pressure to me, is me.

Life lesson learnt.. let go of things you cannot control. Hopefully this experience is just another thing that will make me stronger.

I am now determined to get my legs fixed and aiming for another half in late September.
If nothing else..this makes me feel like a bad ass athlete with a real injury :)

Now I don't want to be a drama queen but I saw this quote and it really resonated with me, not just about this latest half marathon  but it's so relevant to me right now in general. Just have to persevere and keep moving forward.



Thanks for reading :)

The Weight of Anxiety

Over thinking - check.

Over analysing - check.

Constantly worrying - check.

Feelings of guilt or pressure - check.

Expecting the worst - check.

These are things that I've experienced for most of my life, often at varying levels, but I always thought it was just 'me'. You guys might remember me complaining about my lack of energy and just generally feeling exhausted, moody/emotional and yucky. I went to the doctor, got all the tests done, and every single thing was normal. It was quite a shock when I was told that the stress was taking such a toll that it was coming out in more physical ways. Stress is anything from work pressures, life/family pressures, even too much exercise (over training), it can be so many different things for different people.

One the one hand I was pissed that there was no easily treatable cause like say low iron levels and it was 'in my head' (my words, not theirs), but at the same time I am truly happy that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. 

Cue talking to some other professionals, and it turns out this feeling is anxiety.  I'd heard of it before but never thought that it could apply to me.... also turns out it's very common!!

This sums it up pretty good:

Anxiety in itself is basically a cycle of thoughts triggering feelings triggering behaviours/actions and then triggering more thoughts, more feelings...and just going round and round in circles. 

My biggest problem is worrying. About every thing..the future, the past, the present, things I've said, things I've done, how something I said to someone might have hurt their feelings, feeling bad that it might have come across badly, worrying about things that I can't change or have any control over. Feeling guilty when I don't feel like perhaps I've done 'enough' of something/for someone...that can apply to anything. Throughout my teens and early 20s I had this problem lot. As I started my working life and gained some confidence over my abilities, it got better. In my personal life it's pretty much always remained in the background though...apart from maybe the 18 months of my weight loss journey while I was very much riding a wave of positivity and success.

This sums it up pretty good again and it makes me smile haha

I've done a lot of soul searching in the past couple of months and I can see where these behaviours have stemmed from, but it's such a wake up call. I can now see how it affected me as a teenager and was part of my initial weight problems, lack of self esteem etc. With some of those causing factors making appearances in my life recently, some of these feelings of anxiety are returning. It makes sense that along with it comes a bit of weight gain also as my old demons crop up because they were never truly addressed. The endless cycle of thinking all the time in itself can cause exhaustion because the mind is always on!

Either way though, the good news is that it can be helped, it's just about recognising triggers and learning better ways to cope with them...and managing the stresses that do crop up.

A real positive for me is that funnily enough though these issues don't trickle over to my work life where I am a pretty out spoken, kinda loud at times and confident person..perhaps it's because it's an area where I feel 'in control'. 

You guys would have read that I've started a mindfulness course..which has been great so far. Something that I picked up on the first session was that the mind loves wondering and constantly thinking to keep itself busy and entertained, after all that is it's function, but it certainly doesn't need to do that in every situation! Mindfulness and meditation is what you can do to help still the mind and actually focus on what is happening right now. Simple in theory!.

I've been meditating for around 15 mins every night for the past week now and it's been great :) I've even started going to counselling to talk my issues over . There is no shame in seeing a counsellor..I figure she can help unravel my mind better than I can on my own.

I've also started reading a bunch of books like 'The power of now' and 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle which are along the same lines as what they teach in mindfulness. Another interesting read is 'Rushing Woman's Syndrome' by Dr Libby which is all about how our constant on the go lifestyles have a huge effect on our health. All very interesting and highly recommended.

I am taking this time to focus on myself and my overall wellbeing and not just fitness.  I guess I am now training my brain :) Hopefully with a combination of everything I am doing to tackle this, eventually my body and mind will relax and go back to normal and give me my energy back! 

In terms of my fitness training, I have re-evaluated my goals again... Ironmaori is still on the cards as well as a few other smaller events, because I do still enjoy it all and I can chip away at the various disciplines, but the goal itself is back to 'just finish'. No pressure or worry. I know I can finish and that's all that matters :) 

I wanted to share with you guys the latest development in this journey of  mine. I see it as another obstacle in the road but it will be overcome like everything else, and I will come out better and stronger on the other side.

If you experience anything like I've discussed, just know that there is nothing wrong with you, it's quite a common thing, especially amongst the ladies! And more importantly it can get better. Please feel free to message me if you ever need an ear :)