The squiggly road to success

This image right here is my theme for the moment. As I've mentioned before, when I sum up my journey to date, it's all been relatively smooth sailing. I've been incredibly lucky actually. Yes I worked hard, yes it was hard, but I did it.

Confession: As of now I am back to the weight and body measurements I was around June/July last year, when I had my first big down period. 

Frustrating, yes. But I am dealing with it. 

When I got measured over the weekend and I saw the numbers had gone up, I accepted it. I didn't burst out crying like I have previous times, because I know that it will all be okay in the end, and I will get back on track. Life would be too easy if I could drop 30kgs in 18 months, and keep it off with no effort required. That is not reality.

After talking to my PT and judging on how I am feeling in general, I think the biggest factor here for me has been stress. On going stresses in life cause an increase of the hormone cortisol to be produced in our bodies which slows down the metabolism, basically puts your body into a state where it stores fat, especially around the belly, often means you eat more as well, and generally feel tired and sluggish. Since December I don't feel like I've had that same spring in my step as I used to and I am constantly tired.  I am actually going to visit my doctor tomorrow to check out a few other things like iron levels and the like, and hopefully get my energy back somehow. I feel like if I can do that.. I'll be away running.

I am very much living week to week at the moment. Some have been great, others not so much, but any little success is celebrated. I've managed to stick to my minimum two early morning sessions goal which is a great start!!

Next week I will be starting the Change Fitness run group, which is a 6 week long programme, twice a week to help people achieve their running goals by incorporating a variety of training techniques, and of course it's within a supportive group environment. It perfectly lines up with my next half marathon, so this is something I am really excited about. Being told what to do when I exercise has always worked well for me :)

I've been going to Body Attack at least once a week, sometimes twice for the last month now and oh boy, there is a lot of room for improvement. Mid to late last year, I was capable of doing most of the higher intensity options... I am only just managing the middle ones at the moment. I don't feel as fit as I used to, but I guess that's to be expected when I changed my focus to endurance style fitness. I do love it so much though. There's nothing quite like having awesome music, being yelled at by an awesome instructor, and having the group motivation feels. I. LOVE. IT.

This isn't going to be a huge post.. I guess I am just acknowledging now more than ever, that the road to success is squiggly. I also acknowledge that while this is a huge part of my life, it's not all of it. Life is there to be enjoyed, it's not for stressing about weight. I still feel like I am doing the best I can manage at the moment, and that is great in itself.

This is  picture of me holding the 30kgs worth of sugar I'd lost after hitting my weight loss goal in November last year. While I may be temporarily carrying a small bag of sugar again...it's not there to stay. Plus I still fit those jeans :)

"To be successful, remember one key idea, weight loss is a continuing journey for life, rather than a numerical destination for the moment." 

(source: here)

Dig deep

Those of you who read my Facebook page will remember that a few weeks ago I admitted that I had lost all motivation for basically everything. I am glad I put that out there because admitting to myself just how bad I was doing  meant I could actually do something about it.
During the last few weeks I spent a lot of time talking to friends and family and had a really good catch up with my lovely personal trainer Courtney Durr to address the best way forward.

The biggest thing for me right now is to remain positive because being on the negativity train will bring more negativity, self doubt and questioning.
Something I really struggle with in every day life is that I am a worrier, I think about things a lot, over analyse things, think about all of the what ifs for all sorts of scenarios that don't even really matter, sometimes to the point that I stress myself out. I worry about the future, rather than living each day. This has always been a problem for me, and when I have extra stresses, it intensifies and gets worse and it is a constant downward spiral. So the key here I think is to find a way to deal with my over thinking... live for the moment and manage my stress better.

Applying this to my tri training, I realised that I am constantly worried about what will be happening in 7 months time. What if I don't train enough? What if I don't do the right things?  What if it doesn't compare to my friend's training for the same thing? What if I won't be able to finish? Am I eating enough, eating too much? Will I put all of my weight back on?
These are the sorts of things going through my mind and basically always feeling guilty if I was/wasn't doing something that lives up to my image of what was 'right' and what was expected. Even though I really have no clue. Being ambitious and having high expectations is good, but I have to be able to manage the expectations and not get too upset at myself if I don't meet something.

I came across this and it was like an epiphany...

This is why I am going to sit down every night and write a list of all of the things I am grateful for...just to remind myself that even the hardest days, there is still always something good. Break the cycle!!!

My PT reminded me that I am doing this Triathlon for myself. I am not doing it as a punishment, therefore I need to enjoy the journey. I could die next week, and if I hate everything I am doing, that does not equal a happy life. This is something that really hit home.
Last year I was riding a positivity wave and I was the happiest I've ever been. It sucks that this year a few things have knocked me back, but I know that I can eventually find my way back to my happy place.

In a few weeks time I will be starting a 4 session course on practising mindfulness and meditation, which is supposed to help with how to deal with stress and living in the moment more. I am really looking forward to trying this and see how I can apply it to my days. I will let you guys know how it goes!!

Training wise - I am pulling back a bit and looking after myself and my needs more. My PT has reminded me I have heaps of time, and I am more than capable of completing the event regardless. I am now focusing on shorter term and easier goals and also doing things that I enjoy.  On the other hand, the reality of triathlon training is that it's not a team sport, so isolated training is something I do have to get used to later down the track.

Little achievable goals I am setting myself at the moment is just to do 2 x early morning sessions at the gym each week, 1 x swim a week and with my next half marathon in 8 weeks, 2 x runs per week.
Instead of having a set out monthly plan like I have had for the past 3 months, I am going to be a lot more flexible about it and plan week to week..

Fingers crossed that these little changes will help get me back in the right frame of mind. :)
What I am experiencing is probably the dreaded maintenance period that everyone warned me about after you've gone through a big weight loss. This is the hard part, this is what I have to push through, because this is something that I will have to maintain for the rest of my life.

This: