Mind shift - ditch the scales

So I'm 7 weeks into a 10 week weight loss challenge that I thought I'd smash. I've lost somewhere between 1-2 kgs but officially with results at actual weigh in, only around 1. You'd think that I was eating crap or not exercising.... It's the opposite. While my workouts haven't been super crazy, I'm doing a variety of different things. I've mentioned before my change in eating as well. For whatever reason my body is deciding that right now, losing more weight is not essential. 

Has this bothered me? Well yes, about 3 weeks ago I was on the verge of an obsessive meltdown because I wasn't meeting my expectations. I was seeing unhealthy behaviours in myself, not wanting to eat or wanting to binge, stepping on the scale every day, beating myself up because the number wasn't changing. Feeling pressure rather than motivated, feeling bad because I was comparing myself to others who were achieving, and basically non stop guilt. It is crazy how easy it is to fall into these behaviours and get into negative self talk which snowballs. 

As someone who's had a turbulent relationship with food & weightloss in the past, it's even easier to fall back into old patterns....and to be honest it made me feel unstable (mentally). I'm a lot better than I used to be but I'm still not immune to having negative & unhealthy thoughts.
I didn't like how it made me feel. I'm not defined by a number on the scales. Why is it so easy to think you are?
Yes my whole journey has seemingly been about weight loss but actually it's been so much more than that. I'm not unhappy with how I look and I love what my body has done for me, yea I'd like to improve further and continue the journey, but I'm not going to go crazy in the process. I've changed my attitude to how I approach the rest of the challenge. The whole point of this is to encourage health, get moving and eat healthy... I'm doing my best every day to do that, so what more can I really ask for? 

Weight is just another measure in your toolbox to health, it's not the be all and end all. When my body is ready, it will get going again. In the meantime, I'll carry on & enjoy every day. Hope you do the same.

2016

2016. This will be my year.  I am signed up and ready to start the road to the Ironmaori triathlon for the second time. As you might be able to guess from the above, I've decided to do this with the amazing Change Fitness #whanaujourney group led by my amazing coach/trainer Nathan Martin. It's hard to put into words how much being part of this team (for the 4 months) meant to me last year, but all I can say is that it pulled me out of the deep dark hole that I had gotten into, and gave me purpose...and self belief.  I just love the quote above.

I am so full of excitement for what this year will bring, and full of energy to set and smash all of my goals. Reflecting on last year's journey, there is plenty to improve on:

• Doing proper strength training to actually prevent injuries this time, 
• Checking in with myself more often in terms of my mental wellbeing and handling stress better (regular yoga/meditation etc),
• More bike time. 4 months last year, while it was enough to get me through, was just that.. enough to get me through. I had a number of falls and scary moments, so this year is about conquering the beast, getting comfortable riding in traffic and just overall getting stronger in this area.
• Running. I ran about 3km of the 21.1km in December. I'd lost alot of running fitness with my July injury and chose not to focus too much on it last year. Well the goal this year is to run the whole 21.1km.

I would also love for my overall fitness to improve. Endurance is all good, and I think that is because mentally I am strong enough to push through, but I want to and need to be fitter with the non-endurance stuff. Yesterday I started a 4 week circuit training group with Nathan and did the fitness test... great benchmark, but seeing my heart rate at only 8BPM below my max after a short time trial run was not pleasant.

I did end up surprising myself a little bit though when I managed to do 16 full press ups within 1 min. I could do about 20-25 of them this time last year, and after not doing any for almost a year..I was convinced that I'd only be able to do a couple now. But guess what, I didn't actually try it, or test myself, just labelled it as something I couldn't do, and didn't even attempt it. Terrible attitude!! Then I go and smash out 16.
Tonight's experience has taught me yet again just how much we limit ourselves and how the negative self talk can affect us and what we do (or don't do). It's easy to fall into the trap of constantly comparing yourself to other people, always striving for that elusive 'more', fear of failure, never quite being happy with what you have right now.
This will be a big focus point for me this year..finding the balance and learning to love myself as I am, being me, being present... but aspiring to be better and doing my best every day. Take up the challenge with me!

On that note, I'll leave on this thought:

Where has the time gone...

Just had a wee look at when my last proper blog post was... it was at the 10 week mark (read here). Ummm where has the time gone?! It is now 24 days to go. DAYS.

The last 6 weeks of training have especially been full on with lots of big brick sessions (where we do all of the disciplines one after another), more swimming in the open water, and just generally longer and harder. Each one is an accomplishment in itself.

About 10 days ago I completed a 115km cycle in Martinborough...it took 6 hours. Previous biggest was 80km and that was a few months ago. This was legit the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Going into it, I knew it would be hard but by hour four I was ready to give up. The finish line felt very very far away and it took every single bit of my brain and willpower to make it. All I knew is that while I felt like I wanted to quit, I knew that I couldn't and I didn't truly want to. Let's just say there was a lot of swearing and complaining, but I made it!
I am also happy to report that I have finally graduated to clip in cycle shoes, have gone through busy intersections, been on the motorway and I've not fallen off again!
After this big cycle experience, I have confidence that I can finish at Ironmaori... at least I don't have to ride for 6hrs. That's a comforting thought.

We have one more big training session this weekend...a practice run triathlon... and after that it's basically tapering off.

My body feels broken, I feel like I am getting strains and pain almost all the time now and in areas I didn't know existed. It's taking me longer and longer to recover from each weekend, both mentally and physically. Pretty exhausted, and combined with a busy period at work...I am ready to crash every night. What's getting me through now is knowing that the ultimate finish line is almost here.
This journey has been a big step up, so I guess it's no wonder I am feeling a little broken.. haha :)

The last few days I've been reflecting on how far I have come. It was only two years ago that I started working out on a regular basis.(My blog from 2yrs ago about my first fitness test at boot camp ...read here.)
It was only two years ago that I got my heart rate up to over my maximum by doing one length of a gym as a warm up jog. I got puffed walking up stairs. I found simple things like bending over and tying up my shoes difficult.
A short 24 months later, I have done a bunch of events, 115kms cycling, 2 half marathons, regularly doing training of 2+ hours, I am a duathlete and about to be a triathlete, not even a regular triathlete...but a 1/2 ironman triathlete.
When I think about everything that I have achieved fitness wise in what is a very short chunk of my almost 30 years of life, I am astounded. I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform in a certain way, but this puts it into perspective for me. I am so grateful for everything that I am able to do.

This December will be hard to top, but it will be proof for me that I can achieve anything I set my mind to, and despite various challenges thrown my way, I am strong enough to push through.
I am so looking forward to crossing my finish line.

This is for all of us who think we "can't".... just know that actually yes, you can.

10 weeks to go - Ironmaori come at me!!!

So there is just over 10 weeks to go till the big day - Ironmaori. I have mixed emotions about this... on one hand I am scared that I am running out of time for training, on the other I can't wait to get it over and done with..and I am also kind of looking forward to it. Visualising that finish line and the feeling of crossing it.... it makes my stomach stir and my eyes well up, so that's got to be a good thing.

My last blog post was on the 9th of July ....sorry for my tardiness, I've been caught up in trying to work on my half marathon injury, get to grips with a massive increase in training with my new triathlon training crew in August (with Change Fitness), trying a lot of new things for the first time, spending lots of money on entry fees and more gear, and more injuries... mainly falling off my bike several times including a lovely big gash that put me out of action for the past 2 weeks which has put another dent in my training  plan.

Easing into the group training around mid August was great, and I was on an absolute freaking high, especially enjoying having energy again, being able to do double workout days and building my fitness again.

As some of you might remember, since about January this year I've been dealing with depression and anxiety which really affected my overall energy levels / moods and motivation and as a knock on effect, my training. It was a tough time but I invested everything I could to crawl out of the black hole, getting counselling, mentoring from a role model, meditation/mindfulness, yoga, self help books...everything. I did a lot of soul searching and found 'the root' of the problem and took massive steps in removing the toxic aspects of my life.

Since then I've been progressing in leaps and bounds and feeling so so much better. Unfortunately the anxiety I am still struggling with which is really annoying, however thankfully it now only comes out in more extreme situations ...for example when I was out riding on my bike, had completed 50km, literally 50m away from the finishing point....panicked at an intersection with a lot of cars around, got a bit overwhelmed, lost control of my bike and fell off, hurt my already wounded knee from the week before, and proceeded to have an anxiety panic attack on the side of the road. At the time it was the worst thing ever, of course within half an hour I don't even know why I was so upset.

It's these sort of situations where I'm right outside of my comfort zone and don't have confidence in myself and my abilities, that I seem to get overwhelmed, get that 'loss of control'  feeling and boom, my brain just goes off into meltdown mode. Every success I do experience though, helps build my self belief and self confidence, so I know that one day very soon, this anxiety thing will be a thing of the past and I will have it under control.

This makes it sound like I've had the worst time in the past couple of months, but truth be told I've actually had a lot of fun with my new team and have had some great achievements including my first ever 80km bike ride!!

The challenge now is getting through the next 10 weeks mentally...and controlling my tendency to freak out. I still have to learn how to control and handle my bike better, still have to learn how to ride with clip in pedals, start swimming in open water (never done), get through a couple of massive events and then turn up to that start line in December and complete it.

I can do this. 

It is 10 weeks of my life...and it will be my biggest achievement. Totally worth it.

I shall leave you all with these inspirational words....

When your race doesn't go to plan

As some of you guys might have read on my update last Sunday, my half marathon didn't quite go as planned.
The weather gods put on a beautiful day but all morning I had been feeling extremely nervous rather than excited. Did about a 10-15min warm up and then went to line up. As I stood there waiting for the start, my personal trainer happened to walk past me on her way to the front, and a hug from her helped boost my confidence a little bit.

8.45am and off we went. I saw my friend just ahead and I was tempted to sprint a little to catch up to him and say a final good luck as we didn't get a chance before the start, but thought that might be a bit silly literally 100m into the race. Next plan of attack ...get in the zone. All I could think of was how much my achilles already hurt and wondered if it would go away as I warmed up more. I put on some *doof doof* music and hoped for the best. The next 6km went relatively quickly and the pain in my achilles started to fade and I got a pretty good pace on. According to my GPS it was somewhere around the 6:30 minutes per km mark, and on my way to achieving my goal time of 2hrs 20minutes.

Passing a bunch of my friends around the 9km point was a nice little boost..but as I neared the 10.5km turn around point I started feeling tired and the legs were starting to get achey but the fact that I was almost half way through helped , and I was looking forward to the return journey. Put on some even more *doof doof* music to get motivated but things started going downhill pretty quickly. The twinge on the side of my knee started being more and more constant, and I found myself walking more frequently. With only 6kms to go I tried giving myself one last push, really wanting to run to the finish, but suddenly the ache in my leg turned into a sharp shooting pain and my leg buckled under me. A really nice man noticed me stumbling and asked if I was ok..I just about burst out crying but said it was fine.
I did a couple of quick stretches hoping it was something I could release and tried jogging again but no change. Tried power walking to the best of my abilities and felt like a goober.
Being the person I am, I tried attempting to run a few more times .. you know, just in case....but it was getting worse with each attempt so decided for real this time that I had to let my pride and ego go, let go of my time goal and just walk the rest of the last stupid 5kms.
Cue a massive wave of disappointment and realisation that no matter how much I wanted to run, it was just not going to happen. I powered on (walking) with all that I could, went past a couple of ladies who were cheering me on as tears of frustration rolled down my cheeks.
Mentally that was probably one of the hardest 5kms I've ever done. I focused on enjoying the sunshine and the delicious blue powerade (not so delicious by that point!)...and I jogged across the finish line. I couldn't resist.
Of course as soon as I found my family I couldn't hold the tears in. I was reminded that I still did the distance and should be proud of myself and happy, but it was hard to accept that at the time because it kind of just felt like a wasted opportunity. I didn't want to do a half marathon ever again (at least not till Ironmaori).

It feels a bit silly now that I got so upset over it, because it's not the end of the world, my time didn't even end up being that bad, there will be other races and there will be more chances to achieve. I guess it just made it clear to me how much I put into my goals and the expectations I set for myself, but really the only one applying pressure to me, is me.

Life lesson learnt.. let go of things you cannot control. Hopefully this experience is just another thing that will make me stronger.

I am now determined to get my legs fixed and aiming for another half in late September.
If nothing else..this makes me feel like a bad ass athlete with a real injury :)

Now I don't want to be a drama queen but I saw this quote and it really resonated with me, not just about this latest half marathon  but it's so relevant to me right now in general. Just have to persevere and keep moving forward.



Thanks for reading :)

The Weight of Anxiety

Over thinking - check.

Over analysing - check.

Constantly worrying - check.

Feelings of guilt or pressure - check.

Expecting the worst - check.

These are things that I've experienced for most of my life, often at varying levels, but I always thought it was just 'me'. You guys might remember me complaining about my lack of energy and just generally feeling exhausted, moody/emotional and yucky. I went to the doctor, got all the tests done, and every single thing was normal. It was quite a shock when I was told that the stress was taking such a toll that it was coming out in more physical ways. Stress is anything from work pressures, life/family pressures, even too much exercise (over training), it can be so many different things for different people.

One the one hand I was pissed that there was no easily treatable cause like say low iron levels and it was 'in my head' (my words, not theirs), but at the same time I am truly happy that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. 

Cue talking to some other professionals, and it turns out this feeling is anxiety.  I'd heard of it before but never thought that it could apply to me.... also turns out it's very common!!

This sums it up pretty good:

Anxiety in itself is basically a cycle of thoughts triggering feelings triggering behaviours/actions and then triggering more thoughts, more feelings...and just going round and round in circles. 

My biggest problem is worrying. About every thing..the future, the past, the present, things I've said, things I've done, how something I said to someone might have hurt their feelings, feeling bad that it might have come across badly, worrying about things that I can't change or have any control over. Feeling guilty when I don't feel like perhaps I've done 'enough' of something/for someone...that can apply to anything. Throughout my teens and early 20s I had this problem lot. As I started my working life and gained some confidence over my abilities, it got better. In my personal life it's pretty much always remained in the background though...apart from maybe the 18 months of my weight loss journey while I was very much riding a wave of positivity and success.

This sums it up pretty good again and it makes me smile haha

I've done a lot of soul searching in the past couple of months and I can see where these behaviours have stemmed from, but it's such a wake up call. I can now see how it affected me as a teenager and was part of my initial weight problems, lack of self esteem etc. With some of those causing factors making appearances in my life recently, some of these feelings of anxiety are returning. It makes sense that along with it comes a bit of weight gain also as my old demons crop up because they were never truly addressed. The endless cycle of thinking all the time in itself can cause exhaustion because the mind is always on!

Either way though, the good news is that it can be helped, it's just about recognising triggers and learning better ways to cope with them...and managing the stresses that do crop up.

A real positive for me is that funnily enough though these issues don't trickle over to my work life where I am a pretty out spoken, kinda loud at times and confident person..perhaps it's because it's an area where I feel 'in control'. 

You guys would have read that I've started a mindfulness course..which has been great so far. Something that I picked up on the first session was that the mind loves wondering and constantly thinking to keep itself busy and entertained, after all that is it's function, but it certainly doesn't need to do that in every situation! Mindfulness and meditation is what you can do to help still the mind and actually focus on what is happening right now. Simple in theory!.

I've been meditating for around 15 mins every night for the past week now and it's been great :) I've even started going to counselling to talk my issues over . There is no shame in seeing a counsellor..I figure she can help unravel my mind better than I can on my own.

I've also started reading a bunch of books like 'The power of now' and 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle which are along the same lines as what they teach in mindfulness. Another interesting read is 'Rushing Woman's Syndrome' by Dr Libby which is all about how our constant on the go lifestyles have a huge effect on our health. All very interesting and highly recommended.

I am taking this time to focus on myself and my overall wellbeing and not just fitness.  I guess I am now training my brain :) Hopefully with a combination of everything I am doing to tackle this, eventually my body and mind will relax and go back to normal and give me my energy back! 

In terms of my fitness training, I have re-evaluated my goals again... Ironmaori is still on the cards as well as a few other smaller events, because I do still enjoy it all and I can chip away at the various disciplines, but the goal itself is back to 'just finish'. No pressure or worry. I know I can finish and that's all that matters :) 

I wanted to share with you guys the latest development in this journey of  mine. I see it as another obstacle in the road but it will be overcome like everything else, and I will come out better and stronger on the other side.

If you experience anything like I've discussed, just know that there is nothing wrong with you, it's quite a common thing, especially amongst the ladies! And more importantly it can get better. Please feel free to message me if you ever need an ear :)

The squiggly road to success

This image right here is my theme for the moment. As I've mentioned before, when I sum up my journey to date, it's all been relatively smooth sailing. I've been incredibly lucky actually. Yes I worked hard, yes it was hard, but I did it.

Confession: As of now I am back to the weight and body measurements I was around June/July last year, when I had my first big down period. 

Frustrating, yes. But I am dealing with it. 

When I got measured over the weekend and I saw the numbers had gone up, I accepted it. I didn't burst out crying like I have previous times, because I know that it will all be okay in the end, and I will get back on track. Life would be too easy if I could drop 30kgs in 18 months, and keep it off with no effort required. That is not reality.

After talking to my PT and judging on how I am feeling in general, I think the biggest factor here for me has been stress. On going stresses in life cause an increase of the hormone cortisol to be produced in our bodies which slows down the metabolism, basically puts your body into a state where it stores fat, especially around the belly, often means you eat more as well, and generally feel tired and sluggish. Since December I don't feel like I've had that same spring in my step as I used to and I am constantly tired.  I am actually going to visit my doctor tomorrow to check out a few other things like iron levels and the like, and hopefully get my energy back somehow. I feel like if I can do that.. I'll be away running.

I am very much living week to week at the moment. Some have been great, others not so much, but any little success is celebrated. I've managed to stick to my minimum two early morning sessions goal which is a great start!!

Next week I will be starting the Change Fitness run group, which is a 6 week long programme, twice a week to help people achieve their running goals by incorporating a variety of training techniques, and of course it's within a supportive group environment. It perfectly lines up with my next half marathon, so this is something I am really excited about. Being told what to do when I exercise has always worked well for me :)

I've been going to Body Attack at least once a week, sometimes twice for the last month now and oh boy, there is a lot of room for improvement. Mid to late last year, I was capable of doing most of the higher intensity options... I am only just managing the middle ones at the moment. I don't feel as fit as I used to, but I guess that's to be expected when I changed my focus to endurance style fitness. I do love it so much though. There's nothing quite like having awesome music, being yelled at by an awesome instructor, and having the group motivation feels. I. LOVE. IT.

This isn't going to be a huge post.. I guess I am just acknowledging now more than ever, that the road to success is squiggly. I also acknowledge that while this is a huge part of my life, it's not all of it. Life is there to be enjoyed, it's not for stressing about weight. I still feel like I am doing the best I can manage at the moment, and that is great in itself.

This is  picture of me holding the 30kgs worth of sugar I'd lost after hitting my weight loss goal in November last year. While I may be temporarily carrying a small bag of sugar again...it's not there to stay. Plus I still fit those jeans :)

"To be successful, remember one key idea, weight loss is a continuing journey for life, rather than a numerical destination for the moment." 

(source: here)

Dig deep

Those of you who read my Facebook page will remember that a few weeks ago I admitted that I had lost all motivation for basically everything. I am glad I put that out there because admitting to myself just how bad I was doing  meant I could actually do something about it.
During the last few weeks I spent a lot of time talking to friends and family and had a really good catch up with my lovely personal trainer Courtney Durr to address the best way forward.

The biggest thing for me right now is to remain positive because being on the negativity train will bring more negativity, self doubt and questioning.
Something I really struggle with in every day life is that I am a worrier, I think about things a lot, over analyse things, think about all of the what ifs for all sorts of scenarios that don't even really matter, sometimes to the point that I stress myself out. I worry about the future, rather than living each day. This has always been a problem for me, and when I have extra stresses, it intensifies and gets worse and it is a constant downward spiral. So the key here I think is to find a way to deal with my over thinking... live for the moment and manage my stress better.

Applying this to my tri training, I realised that I am constantly worried about what will be happening in 7 months time. What if I don't train enough? What if I don't do the right things?  What if it doesn't compare to my friend's training for the same thing? What if I won't be able to finish? Am I eating enough, eating too much? Will I put all of my weight back on?
These are the sorts of things going through my mind and basically always feeling guilty if I was/wasn't doing something that lives up to my image of what was 'right' and what was expected. Even though I really have no clue. Being ambitious and having high expectations is good, but I have to be able to manage the expectations and not get too upset at myself if I don't meet something.

I came across this and it was like an epiphany...

This is why I am going to sit down every night and write a list of all of the things I am grateful for...just to remind myself that even the hardest days, there is still always something good. Break the cycle!!!

My PT reminded me that I am doing this Triathlon for myself. I am not doing it as a punishment, therefore I need to enjoy the journey. I could die next week, and if I hate everything I am doing, that does not equal a happy life. This is something that really hit home.
Last year I was riding a positivity wave and I was the happiest I've ever been. It sucks that this year a few things have knocked me back, but I know that I can eventually find my way back to my happy place.

In a few weeks time I will be starting a 4 session course on practising mindfulness and meditation, which is supposed to help with how to deal with stress and living in the moment more. I am really looking forward to trying this and see how I can apply it to my days. I will let you guys know how it goes!!

Training wise - I am pulling back a bit and looking after myself and my needs more. My PT has reminded me I have heaps of time, and I am more than capable of completing the event regardless. I am now focusing on shorter term and easier goals and also doing things that I enjoy.  On the other hand, the reality of triathlon training is that it's not a team sport, so isolated training is something I do have to get used to later down the track.

Little achievable goals I am setting myself at the moment is just to do 2 x early morning sessions at the gym each week, 1 x swim a week and with my next half marathon in 8 weeks, 2 x runs per week.
Instead of having a set out monthly plan like I have had for the past 3 months, I am going to be a lot more flexible about it and plan week to week..

Fingers crossed that these little changes will help get me back in the right frame of mind. :)
What I am experiencing is probably the dreaded maintenance period that everyone warned me about after you've gone through a big weight loss. This is the hard part, this is what I have to push through, because this is something that I will have to maintain for the rest of my life.

This:

Feeling the pressure

March ... what a month it has been. Overall my training program went pretty well, I kept on track, apart from having a couple of unplanned rest days. Something that was highlighted to me was that emotional stress really does not work well in conjunction with a training plan.

I've been going through a fair bit of emotional stress due to various issues for the past six months, and every now and again it all comes to a head, and the pressure is really on to do something about it. While these said issues are mainly out of my hands and I actually cannot do anything to fix it, I have been finding it especially difficult to handle lately.
About three weeks ago was one of those moments where everything bad / annoying / difficult / stressful happened all at once, and I honestly felt like my body was just shutting down. I spent a whole weekend not doing anything and for about 10 days I was just eating left, right and centre, craving all sorts of foods, and not wanting to do any exercise. Even thinking about getting off my butt was hard.
It was a scary time because I felt like I had no control over anything, and that the old Eszter was making a come back. This is my biggest worry actually. I know 30kgs is not all just going to grow back on, but the fear of undoing all of my hard work is terrifying.

When I first started this journey, I realised food was one of my coping mechanisms when the going got tough. I have managed to get that under control somewhat, but during extreme times of stress, this is still something my body defaults to. Of course emotional eating leads to the guilt cycle and a very unhealthy relationship with food.
I absolutely hate food having such a hold on me. To re-gain control of my life in this aspect, I decided to start logging my calories again. I stopped about four and a half months ago which at the time was a great decision, but what I need now is to take charge and be accountable to myself again, which is one of the reasons why I fell in love with Myfitnesspal in the first place.
No crazy calorie counting though, just keeping a food diary.
Also no weighing myself again. Blah. I'm still very much in the process of rewiring my brain from weight loss mode to only fitness mode.

I've also been struggling a bit with the actual training plan of having to do 2 strength, 2 swim, 2 cycles and 2 runs per week. I'm not going to lie - it's a bit overwhelming. This combined with personal issues is not a great combo, so the plan has been adjusted to focus on two things each month, still doing the other two, but not to the same extent. I think this will help me stay on track without getting too overwhelmed.

Something else I've realised is that I am not enjoying this as much as I thought. Last year when my main focus was going to boot camp and doing Body Attack at the gym, it was never an effort because I loved every minute of what I was doing, this is why I kept going and why I got such great results. I can't say I feel that way about any of what I am doing right now, especially because I have cut back slightly on running since Round the Bays. Sure there are times when cycling/strength training/ swimming feels great, and there have been some great gains, but I don't feel that same level of passion towards any of them as I did last year. Perhaps it's also because this isn't in a group environment (which really works for me) and I feel a bit isolated.
Both of these things is making it quite difficult to maintain motivation. I do want to do it, and I know I need to, but it's still very difficult.
Plan of attack here - more focused training and making it a priority to fit in more Body Attack classes as well as Body Balance which is the yoga/pilates one to help with the relaxation bit.  In May I will get back into more running (July half marathon prep), which is something I do actually really like.

While looking for some inspiration I came across this gem:

I guess for me this is the unspectacular preparation part, and I just have to keep going and visualise all the good things that are still coming.

I've just taken another five days off training, ate lots of chocolate and other yummy foods, enjoyed some great relaxation time watching movies on the couch and I actually feel great and refreshed and healthier in my mind than I was a few weeks ago that's for sure.
While it's important to stay on track for your goals, it is also important to take time out for yourself and have those all important "mental health days" when it is all about you :)  Manage the stress before it manages you.

I have eight months of training to go, and I can tell it's going to be another rollercoaster ride!!

It's Tri time!!!

March 2015 - 1/2 Ironman Triathlon Training Begins.

EEEK. It's official, I've spent $200 entering the Ironmaori event which as some of you may know involves a 2km swim, 90km cycle and a 21.1km run/whatever you can manage.

Why did I sign up for this? Good question. I needed a new goal, a new challenge, and I wanted to keep the momentum going with my fitness and pushing the boundaries...pushing that comfort zone.

I am actually really glad that I've chosen to go further down the fitness route. Entering events is not something I ever thought I would enjoy, but I actually love having a set date and objective to work towards. #goalsettingismything 

Since I reached my lowest weight point just before Christmas which was 73.8kgs (32kg of weight loss), quite a few changes have happened. You guys might remember I stopped counting calories at the same time - no more hand holding by Myfitnesspal. I am in this for life, so I needed to let go a little bit. I've been quite a bit more relaxed with my eating... having food when I am hungry, sometimes when I'm not (yes I still do this, but not as bad as the old days), and basically just letting myself eat what I feel like, but aiming to be healthy and balanced. My training schedule also became quite monotonous due to my half marathon training. I haven't done much apart from leg work, and even no body attack..which I miss so much!!

As expected, my body has changed in the last 2 months, I've put back on a couple of kilos, most of that I think just from the increased amounts of carbs I've been eating (all I craved during 1/2 marathon training), but probably also lack of variety in my exercise regime, and generally just coz I've taken a more relaxed approach. So I can at least see why the changes have happened and remain accountable.
Just today I took a couple of new photos to see the difference, and yep you can tell I am not as toned, I look a bit more cushiony in general but nowhere near as bad as my mind had imagined it. After all, I still fit into the same clothes as 2 months ago, so no need to panic, but I am quietly aware. When weight loss has been the main focus and goal for 18 months, it's quite hard to snap out of that mind set.

I decided what would be best for my Triathlon journey is that I wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Obviously I acknowledge everything I have achieved to date, and I am so so grateful for it and proud of myself, but at the same time I feel like I need to embrace that this, right now, is me. Not 106kg Eszter, but 76kg Eszter, and I want the triathlon journey to be documented as the new person I am.
It is the start of something new, rather than half way through my weight loss mission.
Does that make sense? I'm not really sure if it does, but it feels like a good idea haha.

I know that my body will keep changing and hopefully naturally still lose some weight but more importantly, I will be keeping track of measurements and other "non scale victories".
So with that in mind, over the next 9 months, I will be posting lots of progress photos and achievements on my road to Ironmaori, and this picture (normal Eszter) is my starting point:

The goal is bad ass super fit Eszter....watch this space.


The challenges ahead

• I can't swim. I can float and aqua jog with a belt on, but that's not going to get me 2kms. Official one on one swimming lessons begin Monday. I'm excited to get started on this the most! I figure as long as I don't drown on event day, I can plod my way through the cycle if I have to, and I can walk the half marathon if I have to. Worst case scenario of course, but that means my focus is to become good at swimming. With practice, I know my other disciplines will work themselves out.
• A new gruelling schedule.  At this stage it is 2 x strength, 2 x run, 2 x cycle and 2 x swim per week, just to build my baseline. I wrote up my training plan the other night, and just looking at it honestly overwhelmed me. It's not like I haven't done double days before, and it's not like I didn't already regularly do 6 days a week, but somehow having a regimented plan is different. There's not much room for fun workouts in there. I hope to fall in love with each discipline ... but I will also have to sneak a couple of body attacks in there somewhere.... ;)
• I've completely and utterly lost my morning workout habit. For 12 months I religiously did all of my workouts at 6.30am with no problems at all. Just before Christmas when I experienced my little burn out, I stopped mornings. Then the holidays came, then I started running at lunch time and in the evenings...and what do you know, all my hard work to create and keep that habit, down the drain. I've tried several mornings since then, and most have been failures. So this is a massive challenge for me yet again, to get into bed early and wake up early and workout! It took 6 weeks to build last time. I can do this.
• Cycling is scary. I've only taken out my fancy new road bike a couple of times, and it is terrifying. Going fast is definitely out of my comfort zone and really freaks me out. Traffic and cars in general are scary. Going down hills is equally scary, I honestly feel like I'm going to face plant. Also I can't get off the bike without getting myself tangled and falling over on the road hahaha. I haven't even attempted all of this with my clip in shoes. 

Massive learning curve ahead on these things that's for sure!

That is all I can think of for now, I am sure there will be plenty of laughs, fun, tears and frustration along the way, and I cannot wait to share it all with you guys. Hope you can join me on my Tri journey :)